When you’re diagnosed with cancer, one of the hardest conversations you may have isn’t with your doctor – it’s with your child. You might worry about saying too much, not saying enough, or saying the wrong thing. To help with this, Cancer Nurse Navigator Michelle Leerkes and Cancer Social Worker Hannah Whitehurst provide tips for having honest conversations with your children, answering difficult questions, and supporting them throughout treatment.
Tell your children as soon as possible
When you feel ready, talk to your children about your diagnosis as soon as possible. Children are usually more aware of what’s happening than you realize and may overhear conversations with family or friends. Hearing the news directly from you can prevent confusion and build trust. The goal isn’t to have the perfect conversation – it’s to help your child feel loved, supported, and comfortable coming to you with questions as your family navigates this experience together.
Prepare for the conversation
Before talking with your child, consider what you want to share and how to explain it in a way they can understand. Choose a quiet, familiar setting where they feel safe and can focus without distractions. Consider having a favorite blanket, stuffed animal, or other comforting items nearby. The Cancer Navigation Team at Woman’s can help you determine what information is appropriate for your child’s age and developmental level.
Use age-appropriate words
Choose words your child can understand without overwhelming them. Younger children may need simple explanations, while older children and teenagers may be ready for more detail. You don’t have to hide your emotions; simply aim to communicate as calmly and clearly as possible.
Your child’s understanding of cancer may also be shaped by previous experiences with family or friends who have had the disease. Listen to their concerns, but let them know that every cancer journey is different.
Answer questions honestly
Your child will likely ask difficult questions, and it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers. Avoid guessing or making promises about the future. Instead, be honest about what you know at the moment, explain your plan, and reassure them that you’ll keep them informed as things change. If they have questions about your diagnosis or treatment that you can’t answer, offer to ask your healthcare team for guidance.
Older children and teenagers may turn to the internet for more information, so encourage them to use trusted, research-backed resources. As you learn more, continue to share updates and make space for new conversations throughout treatment.
Address common fears
Most children have four common concerns when they learn about a diagnosis: What caused it? Is it contagious? Who will take care of me? Is there a cure?
Children may worry that something they did or didn’t do caused the cancer, so reassure them that it’s not their fault or anyone else’s fault. Younger children might also be afraid of catching the cancer, especially because they’re familiar with illnesses like colds and the flu. Make sure they know that they can’t catch cancer through everyday contact and it’s not like other illnesses.
Additionally, changes in routines can feel unsettling for children, so explain who will care for them and how their schedules or favorite activities could potentially be affected. Above all, remind them that they’re loved, safe, and not responsible for what’s happening.
Take advantage of additional support and resources
Woman’s Hospital provides personalized “Kids Kits” with books, activities, coloring sheets, support group information, and guidance for explaining cancer in age-appropriate ways. This kit also comes with a “Mom and Me” notebook, where you and your children can exchange notes, write questions, and share feelings. In addition, it comes with an emotion wheel that uses words, colors, and emojis to help your child identify their feelings and express themselves.
Furthermore, Woman’s offers pediatric support sessions to help your children better understand your cancer diagnosis and treatment. Through drawing, medical play with teddy bears, and tours of the treatment facility, children can learn what to expect in a supportive environment that makes the hospital feel less intimidating.
Watch for changes in their behavior
Your child may express their feelings through behavior rather than words. For instance, younger children may become clingier or return to behaviors they’ve outgrown, such as bed-wetting. Adolescents and teenagers may act out, become moody, withdraw, or struggle in school. These behaviors can be your child’s way of coping with difficult emotions and uncertainty. Even children who initially seem to be coping well may struggle as treatment progresses. Offering patience and compassion can help them feel better supported.
If your child continues to struggle emotionally or experiences concerning behavior changes, a counselor or mental health professional can provide ongoing support. Woman’s can help connect you with community resources, such as Cancer Services of Greater Baton Rouge, which offers counseling for children. Letting your child’s school counselor know about the diagnosis also ensures your child receives support during the school day.
Give your child time and space to process the news
Pay attention to how your child responds while learning about the diagnosis. If they seem overwhelmed, it’s okay to pause and revisit the discussion later. Give them time to process the news without pressuring them to share their feelings. Then, gently check in and remind them that you’re available whenever they’re ready to talk.
Maintain a sense of normalcy
Keeping familiar routines and expectations can provide children with a sense of stability during an uncertain time. Although you may feel guilty enforcing rules or asking children to complete homework and chores, it’s okay to maintain usual boundaries and rules while still offering extra patience and understanding.
Prepare them for changes
Explaining treatment side effects and changes to daily routines ahead of time can help children feel less surprised or scared. When possible, let them be part of the process, such as being there when you cut or shave your hair.
Giving your children small ways to help (refilling your water bottle, bringing you a pillow, doing small chores, etc.) can also make them feel included and connected throughout the journey. However, it’s important to remind them that they aren’t responsible for making you feel better, and they should continue enjoying their own activities and routines.
Additionally, visual cues can help your children understand what to expect. For example, a special blanket might signal that you need extra rest and aren’t up for activities, while a family calendar can show treatment days, appointments, and changes to school pickups or activities.
Build a support system around them
You don’t have to be the only person supporting your child; family members, teachers, coaches, and other trusted adults can also help them. Let these individuals know what you’ve shared with your child and which terms you’re using to describe the diagnosis. As Leerkes and Whitehurst say, “You don’t want a coach to say ‘cancer,’ the papaw to say ‘sickness,’ and you to say ‘breast cancer’; that gets very confusing.”
You don’t have to navigate this alone
Talking to your child about cancer may never feel easy, but honesty, reassurance, and open communication can help them feel safe and supported. You don’t need every answer or the perfect words. What matters most is reminding your child that they’re loved and that their questions and feelings are welcome.
Woman’s is here to help you navigate these difficult conversations, connect you with helpful resources, and support your children throughout treatment. You deserve support, too, and you don’t have to figure everything out on your own.